20/20 Retrospect

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  • Christmas 2025

    So much for ‘blogging/journalling’ this year… life got in the way. But now that work has finished for the year, there’s not much left to do but ponder.

    This time of the year is always the hardest for me. It’s all the social media posts of ‘happy families’ wishing their friends and families a happy Christmas, the photos of kids, mum and dad opening presents and seeing the excitement and joy on their faces… I dreamt of that life once upon a time. A life that consisted of owning a family home, with a loving, doting husband, gorgeous kids (I wanted 5!), maybe a pet or two, each having a car, successful careers…

    Unfortunately and seemingly, that life wasn’t meant for me. Instead I had a run of failed relationships, one that eventuated into marriage and after 2 years of said marriage, was over. If I’m truly honest, the marriage was over before I even walked down the aisle.

    I look at couples and I wonder, did they just settle with that person? Do they control them and are they ok with that? Does their spouse drink too much, make a fool of themselves and deny it the next day, and they’re ok with that? Do they get yelled at by their spouse, in front of shop staff or mechanics when they’re trying to make a decision, and they’re ok with that?

    So many times, before we had our first child or got married, I attempted to walk out. And every time I was told “You will never find anyone else who can love you the way you are and give you what we have!” Or “Your family never come see you or contact you, so I doubt they’ll even care if you move back home again. So where else are you going to go?” And every time, I stupidly believed him. There are times when I still hear those words echo through my mind, and other times where I wished I’d just kept packing up and left.

    Is it just me? Was I too weak to be the wife that accepts and loves her husband for wanting to be in control of everything, and have his cake and eat it, too? The husband that came home, walked past his wife and daughter to head straight out the back of the house to smoke, drink and play on his phone until dinner was ready? Was I supposed to be ok with working a full time job, on top of caring for our daughter through the night, morning, before and after work?

    After 2 years of marriage, I was tired. Our daughter was 2 and I was expecting our second child, whilst still working full time and running the household. When I built up the courage to leave, the first thing my husband messaged me about was the fact I had taken the internet router with me. He was more concerned with not being able to watch Netflix, than how his daughter was.

    Nearly 9 years later, and I am still raising our 2 daughters on my own, and I still feel trapped and controlled. Not just by the girls father, but by the cost of living – the price of rent (because I’m well and truly priced out of the home owner’s market), electricity, fuel, cars and car expenses, food, medical expenses and so on. Money limits how much I can do – holidays take a lot of forward planning and saving, electronic devices for school need to be rented or paid off over time.

    I sit here, frustrated and sad that the life I had dreamt of didn’t transpire. Maybe all those happy family social media posts are just a mask for what’s really happening behind their closed doors. But it still hurts. It hurts because I wanted so much more for my life and my daughter’s lives. And I do what I can, when I can, but I still feel like it’s not enough. Like I’m not enough. Maybe no one can ever truly love me for how I am, but I know that no matter what, there was no love in my marriage. There was manipulation and control. And I never saw or recognised any of that until after I had left, and that is possibly the thing that scares me the most.

    The fear of being taken advantage of again is what holds me back. I just pray that if I am meant to meet another man, that he loves me unconditionally, the way I am (which is far from perfect). Maybe my dream happens later in my life, and maybe this is all a lesson in patience. But I do hope and pray that I don’t have to wait too long…

  • Journal 09.05.25

    Journalling – something I would quietly chuckle about to myself when people would tell me it’s their ‘go to’ to debrief about their days.

    I bought this notebook (physical notebook) months ago, when I felt inspired by one of my friends. And there it sat, on my bedside table gathering dust.

    Tonight however, I just can’t sleep ( not unusual, but up to trying something new). So much happening in my head and on my heart, too. But where to begin??

    It’s birthday month, and this year will be my last year in my thirties. It’s usually around my birthday that I begin to contemplate and wonder if I’ve actually done anything meaningful so far…

    When I look back, I managed to survive 12 years of school, plus a few extra years of study to get my Cert III in Business Admin and Cert IV in Accounting & Bookkeeping. I became a mum. Got married. Got divorced. Bought a house at 19 years of age with my fiance at the time, and then broke up 6 months later. Various employers throughout my 20+ years working career. Several relationships with men, all not to last (it’s me, not them, truly!). I’m not sure it looks or feels like I’ve achieved much. Materially, I feel I have nothing to show. Emotionally, there has been some heavy baggage. I wonder how my girls measure it? Am I enough or have I done enough for them?

    For most of my life, I’ve struggled and wrestled with the constant thought of what others think of me and how they see me. I envy those that are completely filled with confidence and don’t give a rats about what others think of them.

    I’ve never been the best at articulating things, especially without any preparation. I rehearse conversations in my head each night when my head hits the pillow. These conversations may never even take place, mind you!

    I also reflect on the conversations that took place during the day, and again that nagging feeling of “What must they have thought when I said such and such”…

    I think over the last 39 years, or what parts I can remember, the hardest thing I find to deal with is when I feel deeply about a person, but the feeling isn’t mutual (the level, the commitment – they may feel or say they are in love, but they may not show it in a way I know they mean it).

    Even if they say they love or are in love with me, it still somehow feels unbalanced at times. I don’t deal with rejection well (or at all, if I’m completely honest), no matter how big or small the rejection is. For some reason, the moment I detect an imbalance, is the moment my chest feels like it’s going to blast open when my heart explodes into a million pieces. Sometimes, it is only a perceived imbalance/rejection, but I find it just as hard to deal with. It’s something I’ve never been able to move past or understand until very recently.

    I truly believe after my last 39 years of life, I’ll be on my own going forward. And, for once in my life, I think I’m ok with that!

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